A Beautiful Escape

Love the job you can’t leave, or leave the job you can’t love. 

That statement stuck with me throughout our training in Work Attitude and Values Enhancement. It says so much about the current state of my career life right now. 

Earlier we were asked what we hoped to accomplish at the seminar’s conclusion: I answered, “I want to revitalize the fire within.” For the past weeks, I’ve been feeling something that I don’t want to. 

Feeling. 

The seminar talked about not using feelings as a precursor to responding to internal and external stimuli because it changes too often. I need to have values or principles that are set which will guide my way of responding to the said stimuli.

I should follow that, I guess. I need to weigh all options I have before making any decisions.

I hope the following days will get better. 

This idea of having someone destined for me doesn’t give me hope.

It frightens me.

What if the person destined for me is not the one I’d hoped, dreamed, fantasized? Will I be able to accept my destined one, or will I doom us both to a life lived not because of love, but because of destiny?

How long can I keep playing?

Everything is just a game. That’s how I’ve always approached things that involve romance.

A game that I continue to play over and over, quitting like a sore loser whenever my defeat is imminent and starting again with new challengers.

A game I know I will never win.

A game I play just to feel that momentary happiness of playing.

A game I play just for the sake of playing.

LATE FRIDAY NIGHT MUSINGS

1:00AM, Saturday.

I’ve just spent my Friday night in front of my computer watching the first season of Awkward. I am loving this show, the script is very good and it doesn’t try hard to be funny… it just is. 

I like how Jenna (that’s the character in the show) gets the hot guy every other girl wants. It gives girls who watch that it doesn’t matter if they’re not in the cool clique, it’s possible to land the popular guy as a boyfriend. 

After a while though, I kinda got depressed. I mean, I could identify with Jenna (sort of, I never had problems being friends with people in my school… nor did I have any embarrassing moments) in terms of her wishing that she gets that coveted high school romance (or in my case, just romance.) People who know me personally will probably be raising their eyebrow at that statement.

How can someone who brandishes love as if its some unnecessary emotion identify with a person who yearns for romance? 

Yes, friends, I’m still human (somewhat) and romance is still hard wired to me as it is to all of you. I just learned to suppress it given my situation. There will always come a time when I will be sappy and emotional. It just came early this year, usually this comes at around May to July. Oo, may schedule siya!

Anyway, I decided to do some emotional de - cluttering. For starters I hid certain people’s feeds from my Facebook… then I hid them in the chat window. I don’t know but maybe not seeing their names will help. 

I’m also planning on limiting physical interaction. This might be hard to achieve though. Hihihi.

I hope this de - cluttering helps me.