A Beautiful Escape

TRAFFIC

Traffic.

I don’t know how I feel about traffic. On one end of my spectrum, I absolutely abhor it. On the other, I relish the time it provides me sitting idly in the car enjoying music from my favorite radio station.

I guess it will always boil down on who’s with me when I’m stuck in traffic. If I’m alone, then you can all be sure that I’d be seething mad inside the car, honking every now and then because of the slow movement of the cars in front of me.

But if I have friends with me, then traffic becomes a blur with the lively chatter and laughter. I can almost always see myself thanking that the traffic is there, because I’d have more time to laugh and talk.

On rare days, traffic becomes a way for me to see things in different angles. See the fusion of concrete, flora, and life bustling about the main avenues of Manila. Each with their own journey, each with their own end.

IT’S BEEN A WHILE

I’ve neglected to update my blog since things have been in hyperdrive the past few weeks. I do have some photos to post but I can’t since the computer I’m using now doesn’t have Photoshop. 

My room’s finally coming together, all I need is a table for my laptop so I can finally post process and upload my photos of Holy Week. I didn’t want to open the laptop without a proper place because it might get scratched.

The house is finally wi-fi-ed. I can’t believe how stupid I was for not wanting to have wi-fi before. It makes checking my Facebook and Twitter so much easier. 

I have some good news too! In fact it’s great news! I won’t say it yet… but when it finally happens I’m going to post it ASAP!

FALSE HOPE AND PROMISES

Recently I’ve been playing Monopoly on my sister’s iPod. I never thought the game to be so much fun! The excitement of having your opponent land on one of your properties and paying you millions of monopoly cash is exhilirating.

I realized something when I played that game. Sometimes when I feel that my opponent is losing and anytime he could give up, I offer him a large amount of cash just so the game won’t end too soon. I would buy some of his properties with a 100% increase on the real price so we can continue our game of tycoons and real estate moguls.

What I’ve been doing with my opponent in Monopoly is reminiscent of how some people play games with each other. When someone feels like their opponent or rival will lose and give up, they will offer something of value, monetary, material, or otherwise just to keep the game going on for a little bit more time.

But just like me, even if I offered my opponent in Monopoly a large amount of cash, I know deep down he’ll end up losing. After all, I wouldn’t be a good player if I sacrificed my own chance of winning just to keep the game going.

People play games to win. Sometimes, they want to get more out of it, so they try to prolong the game, going as far as giving their opponents something of value to use in their bout. But deep down, they know they’re secure in their position, they know they have nothing to lose, only a lot to gain.

Life is a game, and if you start playing, make sure you keep your eye on the prize.

COUNTING THE DAYS

As time ticks ever so slowly, he looks longingly at the clock in front of him, wishing it would go faster so he can end his day.

The few hours of night between each day was his recluse, his fortress. He feels aloof and wishing it would never end. He stretches the night until the wee hours of the morning, just so he can feel not being in a place where he doesn’t want to be.

“What should I do?” A question he asks that’s met with the same answer:

“What do you want?” An answer that frustrates him because he knows his decision lies with him and no one else. “How can I decide if even in me I am not sure?” he asks, repeating it every minute of every day.

His heart tells one thing and his brain another. A fierce battle between the two ancient rivals, only this time, love is never in the equation.

As he looks left and right and quickly types something on the keyboard, his heart racing at the thought of someone reading it.

“Am I going to take this step only to take it back?” He questions his decision. His pride won’t allow him to take back something he’d already admonish to people.

A few days. He needs a few days to think, and to think hard.

“This is it.” He mutters as he lifts his foot and takes the step forward, firmly planting it on the ground.

COUNTING THE DAYS

He sits there, eyes void of emotion reflecting the computer screen.

Moving like clockwork, his mind becomes linear. Day in and day out papers move from under him in a never ending cycle. The familiar sounds of printers and photocopiers become somewhat comforting sounds, and the eerie silence broken only by the sound of fingers on keyboards.

Sometimes he thinks, “am I happy?” Then he looks at the people around him, and says to himself with a sigh, “at least I have my friends.”

Sometimes he thinks, “is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life?”

A resounding NO echoes through his system. “This is no longer in my plan.” he utters to himself as he moves through the sea of paper he calls home away from home.

So many times he tried to flee. So many times he takes the first step, but ends up taking it back. He felt it was too big a risk. He felt safe.

He shuffles from feeling safe, to feeling discontent with the way things are going. Always moving one step forward, and then taking two steps back. “Maybe I should be more patient.” he thinks yet again.

“Patience.” A virtue because it is difficult to practice. But even virtues must have an end game. “Until when?” he asks himself.

“How much time do I have to give up?”

A question that is met with blank stares and half smiles. A question that has an elusive answer.

Every day moves silently, swiftly. Before he knew it was already a year. He looked around for the answers to his questions. He asked again but was met with the same blank stares and half smiles.

“I think I’ve waited enough.” He says, and once again taking a step forward.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

If I know one thing about myself, it’s that I have this tendency to dwell on the extremes of my emotions.

If I’m happy, I’m super happy. If I’m mad, I’m super mad. Like that. And right now, I’m super frustrated.

It’s 2012 for heaven’s sake! And where, I ask myself, am I? Have I reached my goal for the past year? Or am I still navigating in a world I don’t want? I’ve felt this before, and it’s not a nice feeling to have. It’s very hard to concentrate when everything I do makes me feel more down every single time.

Ugh.

Somehow though, I find comfort in my friends. Maybe because we have the same situation? Maybe because a simple glance reveals a multitude of secrets that I can’t help but smile about.

I just hope this feeling of frustration ends soon. I can’t take another day of this.

SO WHAT’S NEW?

Where should I begin?

I’m in a state of complex emotions right now. I want this, but I don’t want that to happen. It’s all very complicated.

It’s the middle of October right now, and I can say that this year has been fruitful, to say the least. I’m also on my 7th month at work, and while it may be sad that some of the people that I’ve become friends with decided to pursue their dreams elsewhere, I’m nonetheless happy for them. I’m happy they would be able to chase after what they want.

It takes a lot of courage to chase something you really want. It may be as simple as getting up and grabbing whatever it is that you fancy, but I make considerations. I consider everything and anything. From the persons it would involve, down to the worst case scenario and what could happen if things go wrong. Simply put, I over think things.

I know I can be selfish at times, but I do think of others. And I think that trait is going to kill me. Figuratively speaking, of course.